After the overcooked, underlit boreathon of The Da Vinci Code, brace yourselves for a tsunami of silliness in the “sequel/prequel/whatever” Angels & Demons (2009, 15, Sony). The plot resembles “Thunderbirds Go to the Vatican” as evilly intentioned, hooded zealots hide explosive antimatter under the Holy City which Tom Hanks must find and defuse to avoid a Luciferian fiat lux finale. Whereas the original movie featured Hanks standing around in darkened rooms explaining the plot to anyone who was still awake, this second salvo cranks up the action by having Tom explain the plot while running – a major breakthrough.

Elsewhere, Ewan McGregor wrestles with the worst Oirish accent since Tom Cruise in Far and Away, another clunker from director Ron Howard who clearly hears no evil. Still, how many film-makers can claim to have shot the emission of papal white smoke as an action sequence, or to have served up sky-diving cardinals descending on to St Peter’s Square?

Forget the heated theological debates – if you like this film you are an unevolved ape who has sidestepped Darwin and presumably exists in a state of ignorant creationist grace. Everyone else should run for the hills – the apocalypse is coming, and its name is Dan Brown.

We were about to watch this film on FilmFlex and then we read this. ??3.99 saved, we had a good laugh at this cynical review instead.